On Social Anxiety

 Every so often, I do a Q&A post to promote understanding and awareness. Today’s one is about social anxiety. I’m not an expert on the matter, but I’ve lived with it all my life and think my insights as a community leader who lives with this struggle may be helpful to others. So here goes…

Social anxiety? Isn’t that just being shy?

You’d think, right? But no. Sometimes it shows up as being unusually social. Sometimes it shows up as being unusually antisocial. Sometimes it shows up as being shy (around people but trying to be invisible.) I have experienced all of these on a regular basis, though for the more recent decade, shyness has been less of an issue than before.

What do you mean by “unusually social”?

For me, the puns and musical interjections start flying because my mind races. I want to please people, I want to be helpful, I want to do everything just right. But sometimes I’m more mischievous than the situation calls for, too. Or, sometimes I’ll greet people and wish them a good day or a happy New Year or a joyful morning… and more socially apt friends would say a smile might suffice.

And that’s bad?

Nope. It just is. But I’ve found that when I’m less anxious, I’m more relaxed and can have more genuine interactions.

Punning isn’t genuine?

Yes, it is genuine… but there’s a surface level protection that wordplay offers.

What about unusually antisocial?

There are people I love so much who I just don’t see as often as I would like. It is one of those friendships that prompted my sharing this Q&A. I try very hard to keep up my relationships, but sometimes I just need to be completely quiet. Or I go into an approach/avoidance tailspin about wanting to see someone but also needing to make other people happy, or also needing to turn off interactions after reaching a certain max.

So is social anxiety basically being an introvert?

Oh, there are introverts who don’t have social anxiety. They just prefer their alone time, and gain strength from silence. And there are socially anxious people who yearn for a good party, but just need chemical supports to “relax.” I’m not into alcohol or controlled substances beyond my own Lexapro medication, but just with the Lexapro, I see how much an edge is taken off me.

Doesn’t the medicine change your personality?

Nope. You know, for a long time, a lot of people (including me) thought my main issue was depression. Eventually a doctor (the one who died earlier this month) tried Lexapro for me. I just suddenly realized that I was smiling without having to work at it, and I was speaking with people without having to overthink everything. The way I see it, meds help be be myself!

What are other coping mechanisms?

I really need time for writing and making music. It helps me to take walks— that slows me down and opens a new kind of mindfulness. Friendships that are real and flexible help too. And cats. And being able to sit on the floor-that’s just a me thing.

If you deal with social anxiety, why do you put yourself in so many overachieving positions?

I don’t want to be limited. There’s so much I can do to help this world and there is so much the world can offer me, to enrich my life. Nothing is going to hold me back.