Inclusivity Q&A

 Over the past few years, I've had some really important conversations and experiences about having an inclusive mindset and living an inclusive life. It's something I work really hard on, and yet it's also a topic where there are a lot of gray areas. This evening, I'd like to take a few minutes to ponder the topic with questions people ask me, and questions I regularly ask myself.

It all started with my friend Rebecca back in college. I think I had been left out (or felt left out) so much in my grade school days that I had developed habits that tried to show my connection to one or two people. Suddenly, I had friends and I (subconsciously) showed my closeness to them by using that magical word: we. However, I didn't realize how powerful ...and dangerous... that word was.

Rebecca asked me:

Who exactly is this "we" of which you speak?

Is it you and me? Is it you and me, but not them? Is it all of us?

That's how I learned about the inclusive and exclusive "we". (Thanks, Rebecca!) I learned that even when saying "We're going to the dining hall. Do you want to come too?", I was making a gap between two people and a third. Sometimes, that's okay. It was, after all, an invitation. But sometimes, the "you and me, but not someone else" form of we can make the excluded feel on the outside. It is through this lesson that, as much as possible, I realized I didn't want to make other people feel excluded.

The world has changed a lot since then. In 1993, there was no Web 2.0. There was barely any home internet; I was still using "finger plans" to meet people at other schools! The term "FOMO" had not yet been coined, let alone popularized. My dorm room had but one shared phone (attached to the wall with a cord) and one answering machine (with tapes.) The only person I knew who carried a cell phone was my father, and that phone was about the size of laptop today. Its capabilities, needless to say, were much less!

In short, it was easier to exclude people back then, and harder to make them feel excluded. Conversely, now it is easier to include people, but also easier to hurt people's feelings.

So, let the questions begin:

1) Come on! I'm sick about all this "woke" stuff! People's feelings are going to get hurt. Why does it matter?

Yes, being human has a wide range of emotions, and part of our experience is going to be feeling hurt. At the same point, we have so much more social-emotional awareness as a society. We know more about suicide. We have seen way too much gun violence. And I personally know how bullying feels. I want to be part of helping the world, whenever I can, wherever I can.

2) If you include everyone, then the whole experience changes. What if I want a smaller, more intimate group?

I think about this one a lot. There are group activities and there are small group activities, and there are intimate ones. Think about a picnic or going to an outdoor concert in town: anybody can be there. There's no limit to people. It's public. It's safe. Anybody can eat, and anybody can listen. There are lots of small interactions and anyone can feel welcome. Here, it's a draw-the-circle wide kind of situation.

Small group activities might be more limited by space or funding. Only so many people can sit comfortably at a table or in a car. There are sometimes only so many roles in a show. You can only have so many violins in a quartet (two). A baseball team can only be so big; it's more fun to participate than to always be benched, too. In these situations, it's okay to think about what do I want to do and who would enjoy doing it with me?

And of course, there are visits with just a friend or two. There are quiet walks and dinner conversations.

The thing is: when you narrow a circle for an evening or an event, it's important to make sure you have other times with other people. Sometimes an event may not be close to people, or in their price range, or at a time when they are available. But another event might be closer, or more affordable, or at a mutually more convenient time. When I went to Disney this year, I couldn't go with everyone! However, I did an escape room with another set of friends, went to the beach with others etc. There are still other friends who I need to see soon! Oh how I wish there were more hours in a day.

3) But that's the point: there only are so many hours in a day! How can I be inclusive when the day is not inclusive?

It's a matter of communication and planning. I'm going to mess up. I'm going to disappoint. But I want people to know they matter to me. And it might be planning long ahead, but it's planning.

4) What if I just don't meld with someone?

That's what larger group activities are for.

5) What if someone feels excluded and I really didn't mean it?

That's going to happen. Communicate. Find a way to make a new option. Don't just say "sometime" but actually put something on the calendar, even if it is a phone conversation. Be aware of their needs, and of your own.

6) What do I do when seeing someone else being excluded?

Extend kindness. Offer a welcoming hand. Be the bridge. Even if you aren't the person who will stay the connector, help them find a place where they are included.

There's so much to think about. We're never going to get it all right, but what matters is this: to be aware of one another's needs, to be kind, and to communicate with love.

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29Dawn Noonan, Da Nickster and 27 others